BBC- Spoiler warning: This article reveals details from the second episode of The Celebrity Traitors, series two.
A comedian, a journalist, an actor and a TV presenter walk into a church. But sadly, the punchline for one of them was becoming the first victim of this year’s Celebrity Traitors.
As Friday’s episode got under way, a delicious new twist saw traitors Richard E Grant and Maya Jama invite James Acaster to join them in the turret, and simultaneously murder a fellow player.
Unfortunately, it fell to Amol Rajan to become the Paloma Faith of this series – being taken away in a coffin in episode two before even having the chance to take part in a banishment.
“But you know what, games are games, and just as there are winners, so there have to be losers.”
The episode drew in a peak audience of 8.6 million viewers, just short of the debut episode with an average of 8.9 million viewers.
The morning following Rajan’s banishment, presenter Claudia Winkleman confirmed the University Challenge host’s murder to the other players, joking: “That’s what I call a starter for 10.”
Acaster, meanwhile, reflected: “I’m gutted to not be a faithful anymore, I don’t like lying. But if I don’t join them, they’ll kill me.” You can’t fault his logic.
The decision meant that Grant, an Oscar-nominated actor with a Razzie-worthy traitor strategy, did at least manage to commit one successful murder despite his shambolic first day.
The 69-year-old spent much of Friday’s episode trying to repair the damage from his earlier exchange in the bar, where he blurted out that he was a traitor to Joe Lycett, Rob Beckett and several others.
Obviously a man who made such an excellent Spice Girls manager in the 1997 masterpiece Spice World: The Movie is hard for anyone to picture as a traitor, so many other players assumed Grant was attempting some elaborate double bluff.
Jama is off to a much stronger start. “I am quite shocked at my ability to just lie to everyone,” the Love Island host said in the castle’s diary room. “I’m an all-or-nothing kind of honey.”
As the players gathered for breakfast, other theories began to surface. Mathematician Hannah Fry said she had spotted Leigh-Anne Pinnock putting on make-up late in the evening, perhaps heading to the turret.
“I think it’s James,” declared Jerry Hall, suddenly giving viewers hope that the new cast will be better traitor hunters than last year’s. Until she clarified that she was talking about James Blunt, not Acaster.
As the players prepared to head out for the mission, conversations turned to far more important matters. “Do you have more teeth than a normal person?” Grant asked Beckett.
The players made their way to the mission, which had the usual slightly convoluted rules that took Winkleman quite a while to explain.
In a nutshell, the celebrities were to be buried alive in pairs, with only one duo left above ground.
Ross Kemp was pre-selected by the traitors to be protected from burial along with his grave partner Romesh Ranganathan, who did a delightful dance when he found out he wouldn’t be going underground.
Kemp and Ranganathan then had the opportunity to dig up some gold graves which would add to the prize pot, or alternatively dig up and free their fellow players.
They opted for the latter, which resulted in some other players struggling to get the soil off their faces. In the end, all the celebrities were released, with the exception of Fry and Hall.
The pair were freed early after Hall shouted the emergency word “Haggis!” – effectively a Scottish version of “I’m a celebrity get me out of here!” – because she was visibly uncomfortable being buried alive.
It might have led to an early release, but it ultimately guaranteed that either she or Fry will be murdered next, unless the traitors recruit again.
“Just you and me up for murder,” Fry told Hall afterwards. “You’d better not be a traitor or I’m really screwed!”
In a flashback shown to viewers, Acaster explained the decision to protect Kemp from burial, telling his fellow traitors: “I think if we give it to Ross, he’ll overthink it, and behave in a way that would draw suspicion.”
Very clever. “You’re a wonderful traitor,” observed Grant. (Certainly better than him.)
Finally, it was time for the first banishment of the series, with Grant still in damage control mode.
“I have a slight pinprick of advantage,” he told himself in the castle’s diary room. “Nobody would possibly believe that anybody would be so stupid as to come forward and say ‘I am a traitor’. I’m hoping that I do get away with it.”
His fellow traitors clearly wanted to be supportive, but things were getting dicey.
Acaster described him as a “loose cannon”, while Jama said: “I want to save him, even though he’s dug himself the biggest hole imaginable.”
Back in the castle, Ranganathan pointed out: “If somebody else had behaved like Richard, we wouldn’t even be having a debate about this, you would just go ‘you’ve got to vote for him’.”
But others had a slightly different take. “Richard feels a little too easy,” reflected actress Myha’la, “and then anybody pushing him feels suspicious to me.”
Comedian Joanne McNally agreed some players were “using him as a fall guy and a decoy,” although she did admit later that he’s “made such a shambles of it now”.
As discussions got going, it took a surprisingly long time for Grant’s name to come up, as the other players debated other suspects such as Julie Hesmondhalgh.
The actress aroused suspicion because she was the first celebrity this year to receive a shield. The group seemed to have overlooked she only got that – in the opening minutes of the first show – after the other contestants voted her the most trustworthy.
But as discussion turned to Grant, Hesmondhalgh put forward one of the most convincing cases of the night.
“You came into the bar, and said you were a traitor,” she told him. “It was a bold move. It was chaotic and we love you for your chaos.
“I think we are at risk of being the most idiotic group of faithfuls in the world, if we go for someone else tonight based on nothing at all, when somebody has come into the room and said ‘I am a traitor’. There’s no reason to say it unless you are.”
Miranda Hart agreed that “the joy when he took off his blindfold” when Winkleman first selected the traitors made Grant look suspicious.
Getty ImagesViewers will have to wait until the next episode to see how the round table goes, as the episode finished before voting had even started.
(It’s worth saying that, as cliffhangers go, this was far less irritating than ending an episode in the middle of voting, as producers often do.)
“You’ve given us all a problem,” Ranganathan told Grant as the episode drew to a close and the players prepared to vote. “By doing that, it was a big mistake by you, I feel like you forced our hand.”
Admittedly, it’s not looking good – the round table is shaping up to be a landslide vote against Grant. But we still wouldn’t bet against him.
“I do not go down without a fight,” he concluded. “I couldn’t have survived showbusiness for four decades without a fight.”
Celebrity Traitors continues on Thursday at 20:00 BST on BBC One and iPlayer.
